I miss my sweetheart. He has been traveling in warmer climes since mid-January. After last year's bout with double pneumonia and a pulmonary embollism, the doctor "ordered" him to get out of the cold wet Mount Shasta winters. He'll be home in a couple of weeks, and I am anxiously looking forward feeling his warm smile, holding him and hearing all about his adventures on the open road.
John's and my story is all about two souls working, really working, at being honest and "real" with one another. Working from the foundation of genuine friendship and love. Love that is real. Velveteen Rabbit kind of real. And while we both lament not coming together during our high school years, we all know that to ponder and grieve over such things is folly. Our being together now is all that matters. We are grounded in a Love and Contentment that is very sweet and precious. We are easy with each other; encouraging, and giving one another the time, space, and support necessary to process life as it happens. We are also tough on each other, not allowing the other to slip into "games people play".
I just like to be with him. We can be doing absolutely nothing, but to be near him makes me feel happy, content, safe, and well...just wonderfully joyful. It is a peaceful feeling. And just like the first time I hugged him at Don and Jan Ballerini's wedding in June of 2002, I can still say, "I'm finally home."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
And so I begin....
In the first moments of learning that my First Born was carrying HER First Born, my mind began to race. Instead of feeling giddy and excited, thoughts of societal "shoulds" and "should nots" competed for attention in my mind. My Heart had no chance for sharing its joy. My daughter...not married and only having been in this relationship for 7 months!!!...was telling me she was pregnant! All I could think about was how this would "look" to my dad, her grandfather. And how could my bright, educated, very intelligent daughter allow this to happen to her??? Good grief!!!
Now, I really like the daddy. He is gentle and masculine, intelligent, articulate, thoughtfully sweet, and loving to my daughter (I could see the love for her in his eyes and hear it in his voice the first time I met him). So, what was my problem???
Intertwined with my selfish and immature thoughts of how this would look - them not being married, and all - were thoughts about my daughter's and the baby's welfare: would the father of the baby stick around? would he embrace this gift from God? or would he run, abandon, flake-out? They had, afterall, only known each other for a few months. As I look back on that first hour (honestly, it was days, then weeks), it is crystal clear to me how caught up in earthly things I was. Not that it is NOT important for the parents to be equally engaged, but I allowed myself to go to the drip miles away, when the waterfall was right there in front of me, flowing with the cool, refreshing "stuff of life": Katie and Shawn loved each other and it was THEIR life and THEIR choice, and the ONLY (and the BEST) thing I could do was love and support them. That shift in my thinking didn't occur until 2 months after hearing "the news". But, it did happen, and then my heart grew 100x's bigger.
The blessed event that caused the shift happened in a little "spit on the road" country town in the very northeastern part of California: Bieber (I know, I wondered if Justin's family lived there). We were heading home from a vacation in Montana, and stopped to buy lunch and stretch. While I was waiting for the "ladies" room (it was a small country store with only one restroom for men and women), an elderly couple walked in to the store. They were holding hands, smiling and talking; clearly still "in love" with one another. She let go of his hand and stood next to me to wait for her turn in the restroom. She smiled and said "hello" to me and we began one of those little conversations that people engage in when standing in line at some random place in time and space. She mentioned that she and her husband were on their way home after having visited one of their granddaughters; a granddaughter who had just had a baby-a new great-granddaughter! One of several! I told her I was going to be a new, first-time grandmother and Peggy (we had progressed so far in our cordiality as to find out each others' names) beamed and congratulated me. We ended our conversation when it was my turn to use the restroom.
Shortly after, as John and I were outside eating our lunch, she and her husband emerged from the store and started for their car to get back on the road. We said "goodbye" and wished each other safe journeys to our respective homes. But, something grabbed my heart and I felt compelled to talk with her in private. Earlier, I had seen something in her that convinced me she was a wise and loving woman, a sage in whom I could confide. I needed to know..."how might she receive the news, as a great-grandparent, that the baby's momma and daddy were not married; and how do I get past these negative guilt-based thoughts and move on to total acceptance of what was happening in my little world. I approached her and told her I would like to speak with her in private. She said, "Of course, Dear." I began to tell her of my fears and concerns, and how I was dreading telling my father because I thought he would be critical and judgmental; I was afraid to "face" him. Even now, as I write this, I can see I was making everything about ME, and not about the joy of a precious little baby coming in to the world. I began sobbing and she hugged me and held me close, comforting me with her words and motherly wisdom, saying, "Everything is going to be just fine. The fact that you are so tenderly concerned about it tells me that your mom and dad raised you with love." I told her that I had just lost my mother and she hugged me closer. She was my angel come to earth. She encouraged me to pray about it first, then talk with my dad from a loving heart, not from fear of judgment. She said my dad may or may not have reservations, in any event, once he saw that sweet little bundle, he would melt and nothing else would matter---but, she said, "I don't think he will be as critical as you are worrying he might be." She gave me some practical ways, some words to use as I approached the subject with him, and then she prayed with me, right then and there, that I would find the peace I needed. And, indeed, I did.
Peggy put it all in perspective for me. It is always about LOVE, love in action is all that we are and all that we can be to anyone, at any given time. All I could do was love and show that love-a new life was created and everything else would work itself out in due time. Foolish me to waste time (my words to myself) worrying about the "what ifs and should have's."
What is LOVE? It is not just some fluffy "feeling" we get. Sadly, it is bandied about so much that the word has almost become meaningless in our society. But LOVE is real and it is always known by an act. It is a verb. Am I speaking from a LOVING heart, are my words and actions LOVING, am I thinking LOVING thoughts? And, am I truly living in this moment? I will know when I am NOT living in the present by my thoughts; when they are about the "what if's" or "should have's", then I am not living here and now. I can know that I am living in this very moment when I am content and at peace.
All that is required of me in this life is to love and to be love in action.
Now, I really like the daddy. He is gentle and masculine, intelligent, articulate, thoughtfully sweet, and loving to my daughter (I could see the love for her in his eyes and hear it in his voice the first time I met him). So, what was my problem???
Intertwined with my selfish and immature thoughts of how this would look - them not being married, and all - were thoughts about my daughter's and the baby's welfare: would the father of the baby stick around? would he embrace this gift from God? or would he run, abandon, flake-out? They had, afterall, only known each other for a few months. As I look back on that first hour (honestly, it was days, then weeks), it is crystal clear to me how caught up in earthly things I was. Not that it is NOT important for the parents to be equally engaged, but I allowed myself to go to the drip miles away, when the waterfall was right there in front of me, flowing with the cool, refreshing "stuff of life": Katie and Shawn loved each other and it was THEIR life and THEIR choice, and the ONLY (and the BEST) thing I could do was love and support them. That shift in my thinking didn't occur until 2 months after hearing "the news". But, it did happen, and then my heart grew 100x's bigger.
The blessed event that caused the shift happened in a little "spit on the road" country town in the very northeastern part of California: Bieber (I know, I wondered if Justin's family lived there). We were heading home from a vacation in Montana, and stopped to buy lunch and stretch. While I was waiting for the "ladies" room (it was a small country store with only one restroom for men and women), an elderly couple walked in to the store. They were holding hands, smiling and talking; clearly still "in love" with one another. She let go of his hand and stood next to me to wait for her turn in the restroom. She smiled and said "hello" to me and we began one of those little conversations that people engage in when standing in line at some random place in time and space. She mentioned that she and her husband were on their way home after having visited one of their granddaughters; a granddaughter who had just had a baby-a new great-granddaughter! One of several! I told her I was going to be a new, first-time grandmother and Peggy (we had progressed so far in our cordiality as to find out each others' names) beamed and congratulated me. We ended our conversation when it was my turn to use the restroom.
Shortly after, as John and I were outside eating our lunch, she and her husband emerged from the store and started for their car to get back on the road. We said "goodbye" and wished each other safe journeys to our respective homes. But, something grabbed my heart and I felt compelled to talk with her in private. Earlier, I had seen something in her that convinced me she was a wise and loving woman, a sage in whom I could confide. I needed to know..."how might she receive the news, as a great-grandparent, that the baby's momma and daddy were not married; and how do I get past these negative guilt-based thoughts and move on to total acceptance of what was happening in my little world. I approached her and told her I would like to speak with her in private. She said, "Of course, Dear." I began to tell her of my fears and concerns, and how I was dreading telling my father because I thought he would be critical and judgmental; I was afraid to "face" him. Even now, as I write this, I can see I was making everything about ME, and not about the joy of a precious little baby coming in to the world. I began sobbing and she hugged me and held me close, comforting me with her words and motherly wisdom, saying, "Everything is going to be just fine. The fact that you are so tenderly concerned about it tells me that your mom and dad raised you with love." I told her that I had just lost my mother and she hugged me closer. She was my angel come to earth. She encouraged me to pray about it first, then talk with my dad from a loving heart, not from fear of judgment. She said my dad may or may not have reservations, in any event, once he saw that sweet little bundle, he would melt and nothing else would matter---but, she said, "I don't think he will be as critical as you are worrying he might be." She gave me some practical ways, some words to use as I approached the subject with him, and then she prayed with me, right then and there, that I would find the peace I needed. And, indeed, I did.
Peggy put it all in perspective for me. It is always about LOVE, love in action is all that we are and all that we can be to anyone, at any given time. All I could do was love and show that love-a new life was created and everything else would work itself out in due time. Foolish me to waste time (my words to myself) worrying about the "what ifs and should have's."
What is LOVE? It is not just some fluffy "feeling" we get. Sadly, it is bandied about so much that the word has almost become meaningless in our society. But LOVE is real and it is always known by an act. It is a verb. Am I speaking from a LOVING heart, are my words and actions LOVING, am I thinking LOVING thoughts? And, am I truly living in this moment? I will know when I am NOT living in the present by my thoughts; when they are about the "what if's" or "should have's", then I am not living here and now. I can know that I am living in this very moment when I am content and at peace.
All that is required of me in this life is to love and to be love in action.
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